August 15, 2004-April 22, 2025
It is with a stomach full of joy (and zero ulcers) that we announce the passing of Hector P. Hylori, aged 20, a tenacious bacterium who fought gallantly to ruin digestive peace – but ultimately lost the battle to a negative test result and a responsible GI workup.
Born sometime in a poorly washed salad in 2004, Hector colonized with great ambition, setting up shop in the gastric antrum. For two decades, he lived a low-key life – causing only mild bloating and the occasional mystery burp. His greatest dream was to one day cause a duodenal ulcer, but fate (and a good immune system) had other plans.
Hector met his end on April 22, 2025, surrounded by laughter, good lab results, and relieved gut flora. He leaves behind no ulcers, no active inflammation, and no evidence of chronic gastritis.
A private flush was held in the porcelain chapel. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Team Proto Pump Inhibitors or Clean Hands Club International.
“Gone but not cultured.”
RIP Hector. The gut is at peace.