Wellbeing

A few years ago, I was on a walk with my wife. Walks are where we often connect and have some of our “deep” talks. I was processing with her the tough time I was having. At the time, it seemed every area of my life was a challenge. Work was hard, kids were hard, all the things life was asking of me were hard. Life did not feel easy at that moment, and I just wanted to feel better. My wife would understand. She would empathize. She would “make me” feel better. She didn’t. In retrospect, I think I expected my wife to respond with a “That sounds tough” and “Thanks for all that you do” and “How can I help?” Instead, she just said, “What if what you think is an obstacle is really an opportunity?” 

What did I do? How’d I respond? I threw an adult temper tantrum in my head and then did what any good overthinker does, I did my own research, the kind where you try to prove the other person wrong. As I processed and researched, I found this idea that at least dates back to the Stoics, a philosophy founded in ancient Greece. Modern Stoic philosopher and writer Ryan Holiday shares that Marcus Aurelius, nearly 2,000 years ago, said “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” To make this point concrete, Holiday shares the following story to bring to life this question of obstacle or opportunity: 

There is an old Zen story about a king whose people had grown soft and entitled. Dissatisfied with this state of affairs, he hoped to teach them a lesson. His plan was simple: He would place a large boulder in the middle of the main road, completely blocking entry into the city. He would then hide nearby and observe their reactions.

How would they respond? Would they band together to remove it? Or would they get discouraged, quit, and return home?

With growing disappointment, the king watched as subject after subject came to this impediment and turned away. Or, at best, tried halfheartedly before giving up. Many openly complained or cursed the king or fortune or bemoaned the inconvenience, but none managed to do anything about it.

After several days, a lone peasant came along on his way into town. He did not turn away. Instead, he strained and strained, trying to push it out of the way. Then an idea came to him: He scrambled into the nearby woods to find something he could use for leverage. Finally, he returned with a large branch he had crafted into a lever and deployed it to dislodge the massive rock from the road.

Beneath the rock were a purse of gold coins and a note from the king, which said:

“The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.”

What are you facing today? Obstacles or opportunities? Maybe you have a challenging, strained relationship with a classmate, co-worker, or person in your life? Maybe you say obstacle. To what? To life being a little easier? Maybe you are being called to be more compassionate, understanding, tolerant or kind. Maybe this classmate, co-worker, or person in your life is acting inappropriately. While inappropriate behavior is not OK and never to be condoned, you still have an opportunity to realize an inner strength, to create and enforce personal boundaries, and to connect with people who support you and will work with you to make conditions better. Maybe you have a “late shift” or a “long” weekend of work. If you say obstacle, again, ask yourself “Obstacle to what?” Your expectations for the number, sequence, or timing of the days and times you are asked to work relative to time “off”? And what do you really want to do in your time off? Is “time off” really better? Would it really serve your higher self and your future development? If yes, then you have the opportunity to be very intentional with your time off. If you’re not sure, you also have the opportunity to serve someone in that work, to contribute to something greater than yourself, and to realize, again, inner strength, passion, and purpose. You also have the opportunity to decide whether this “work” is for you or not, and the opportunity to move your life and work in a different direction, one that better suits you. 

This may sound callous, but here’s the compassionate truth: that’s just a perception. It was certainly my perception when I first heard it. But it wasn’t, it isn’t, callous. It’s loving. It’s recognizing that the way you see things is not the way things are, just how you are. It’s honoring that there may be so much more to you than you could have ever realized. You have, like I did, the opportunity to grow, to be more than you have ever been, to experience life as better than you can imagine, more fulfilling and meaningful in a greater variety of conditions. 

I was recently talking with a very successful, tenured physician and medical educator about the challenges medical students face today. They said a common obstacle for struggling students is to realize that “medicine is not about them and their discomfort.” What is about you and your discomfort is knowing, and knowing what to do when you realize, that your discomfort is a signal to the opportunity for where and how you can grow. 

Joseph Campbell said, “Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” That day on our walk (and still to this day) my wife was ahead of me in her spiritual and personal journey. I knew that. So, I listened. Instead of continuing to question her, I realized I needed to question. What I found was she was giving me a gift, pointing me to my treasure, my opportunity. Over time, I felt so much better, better than a pat on the back, an “excused absence”, or someone else rescuing me ever would. And I felt better because my vision was better, because my perception of myself, things, others, and life was better, because, as the Buddha said, “with our minds we create the world” and my mind was clearer, sharper, better, because I was capable of more than I realized because I could handle more, because I was more responsible, because the obstacle was the opportunity, the gift, the treasure. 

If you are “still in process” or facing a challenge or tough time, heed the sage advice from the Stoics, the Zen masters, and all the current-day leaders who have been where you want to go, are doing what you want to do, and model who and how you want to be. I urge you to continually come back to this question, day in and day out: What lies before me, is it an obstacle or an opportunity? Come close. Here’s the secret. The answer is always opportunity. 

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Director of Wellbeing 

By title and organizational flow, I am a leader. With that realization, I often turn my inclination for introspection to my leadership, to me as a leader. What I continue to find is that I am not where I would like to be. I want to, can, and will grow as a leader. And to do so, I have a lot to learn, skills to develop, and ways of being to nurture and share.

What’s most important? According to leadership expert Mike Erwin, “Leadership is a relationship.” 

Erwin teaches that good leadership involves understanding and meeting the needs of others, fostering a sense of belonging and purpose, and empowering individuals to reach their full potential. To do so, effective leadership goes beyond mere authority and control, focusing instead on building meaningful relationships built on respect, communication, trust, and empathy. As empathetic scholars, leadership as a relationship aligns with, and perfectly informs our mission.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” That, for me, is sage advice to recognize, value, and emphasize relationships.

In some areas of your life, you are surely a leader. Answer Roosevelt and Erwin’s call. Be an empathetic leader. Build and care for your relationships and lead on from the heart.

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

Ever feel trapped in a cycle of busyness and stress? It can feel so hard to “turn it off.” Trust me, I know. Having faced it in my life and the lives of many others, I’ve learned (and relearned) a few important things.

Our bodies and minds are rhythmic. We move between higher and lower energy and activity throughout the day. We all peak, and we all valley. This is natural and healthy. Breathe in. Breathe out. The cycle of life goes. To have our “up time,” we all, require “down time,” breaks, and rest, but we are absolutely bombarded with information, impositions, distractions, and activating stimuli.

We live in a world of what Professor Cal Newport calls, “solitude deprivation.” Solitude is best defined as “the freedom from input from other minds,” and it is accessible to us all throughout the day, every day. Empirically, it contributes to peace and rest, recovery and rejuvenation, inspiration, creativity, and problem solving, even enhanced self-worth.

Free yourself. Skip the podcast, resist the urge to scroll, close your computer, turn off email, silence your phone, and just be – after all, we are human beings not doings.

Curiously search where you can get solitude, how you feel when you do it, and how you transform with consistent practice.

In the midst of the chaos, solitude just might be the sanctuary you need to rest, recover, and be well.

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

Wellbeing is fundamental to health care that is healthy and caring, especially for an Empathetic Scholar®. However, what is wellbeing and how can you incorporate it in your work and service to others?

What is wellbeing? In short, wellbeing is the many flavors of a life well lived: meaning, purpose, passion, personal growth, connection, relationships, service, quality of life, enjoyment, and happiness, to name a few. How are you doing with each of these? Be honest. What needs more of your attention? What would you like to do better?

Additionally, “wellbeing is a direction not a destination.” Therefore, wellbeing is not about always feeling great, rather pursuing all the things that make you come alive. What makes you come alive, in your work and outside of work? How are you doing with these elements of your life? What needs more attention? What would you like to do better?

All in all, wellbeing, a life well lived, is not always easy, it’s worth it. Take some time (I promise you have it) to reflect on the questions above (empirically, writing is most effective). Then commit yourself to the changes your life is calling you towards. It’s worth it!

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

Why did my wife’s alarm go off so early this weekend? Wait, it didn’t. It’s just Daylights Saving Time. Depending on perspective and mindset, this “Spring forward” can be experienced rather negatively and take a physical toll, or it can be exciting, energizing and life giving, more sun and warmer weather. How do you experience time change, especially in the Spring? Your perspective could make all the difference.

Statistically, about one-third of the world’s population participate in some form of daylight saving each year, and the data from this shift can be alarming – props to neuroscientist and sleep researcher and expert, Dr. Matthew Walker for bringing attention to these statistics. After the Springtime change when we lose an hour of sleep, that following week there is an increase in heart attacks, stroke, automobile accidents, more injuries at work, even suicide. In case you are wondering, when we gain an hour of sleep in the fall, those increases decrease; there are less heart attacks, accidents, and suicide. Sleep is so important for our health and wellbeing, so is our perspective on getting the sleep we need, at least in the short-term.

Ellen Langer, Harvard’s first tenured professor of psychology, has an incredibly interesting study on real and perceived short-term sleep loss and its impact on performance. Healthy subjects slept in a sleep lab overnight. They either had a clock that moved slowly and told them they only slept 5 hours when they slept 8 hours, or the clock moved quickly and indicated that they got 8 hours of sleep when they only slept for 5 hours. Then, they took a test of cognitive performance and were asked to subjectively rate their level of sleepiness. Can you guess what the researchers found? If you perceived that you got the sleep that you needed (8 hours), you perform better and you don’t feel sleepy. If you perceive that you didn’t get the sleep you needed (5 hours), you perform worse and you feel sleepy. This is remarkable! Even if you get the 8 hours of sleep your body needs, if you believe you got too little sleep you will feel and perform worse! As Stanford health psychologist Kelly McGonigal PhD teaches, “the effect you expect is the effect you get.”

Here’s the take-home: Sleep is essential for health and wellbeing. We absolutely need good – quantity and quality – sleep to be healthy, feel good, and perform at our best. And, at least in the short term, if we perceive that we are getting what we need, we can feel great and function at our best.

The solution to sleep in your lifestyle is not that you can just change your mindset and sleep as little as possible. The solution is to prioritize the sleep you need, and – emphasis on and – in the short-term, this week, give yourself a little more time to take care of yourself in all the little ways that make a significant difference in how you feel and function throughout the day. Pick out your outfit the night before, give yourself a few extra minutes in the morning to get ready for the day, have good food available and easily accessible, and go a bit easier on yourself as your circadian rhythms synch with the time change. Even if you’re a little short on sleep, you will be strong in mind, which will make you also strong in body.

In all reality, you might lose a bit of sleep this week, but if you take care of yourself and your needs and prepare with a little more intention for your upcoming days this week, you can shift your mindset from lack to plenty. And that mindset shift can lead to a better transition this Daylight Saving Time and to you feeling great and having a wonderful week.

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

A few years ago, I was going through a life transition. As I felt the need to really focus on the areas of my life that were changing, I decided to run an experiment. It was a digital detox of sorts. I was going to spend 30 days off all social media. That 30 days was so freeing it turned into 9 years and counting. Over these years, I have noticed some differences in day-to-day experiences between myself and those I know that use more social media, and it’s really concerning.

What I first noticed was people showing up more online than in life. There was always a possibility of something better “out there” than right here. That also revealed to me a distractibility that others describe and display that doesn’t feel as present for me. Teaching and mentoring university students for the last 6 years, I’ve also been told of, and witnessed, a general unease that many just live with all the time. In fact, in a recent study from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 45% of young adults in the US reported a general sense that “things are falling apart”. One participant said, “I just wish I was able to calm down literally ever. I always feel on edge, everything scares me…If I could just find some way to calm down a little it would work miracles.” Most recently, I have begun to pay attention to another difference. People seem to be, and are expressing to me, being more upset, angry, even outraged. I am witnessing in my own life, good, loving people see others in their life as enemies, turn against one another, and friendliness and friendships end. What is going on?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, clinical psychologists and researchers, are relationship experts. Through their work they have been able to predict with 93% accuracy in research settings which couples would get divorced and which ones would stay together. Considering all the behaviors and characteristics couples express, there is one destructive variable that stands out more than any other: contempt. Sadly, contempt in relationship, romantic or otherwise, is lethal and is growing all too common. What is driving contempt to be the emotion of so many relationships today? Look no further than a blend of human instincts and the ‘outrage industrial complex’.

First, what is contempt and what does it do besides destroy all our relationships? Contempt is an emotion that is in the same family as anger and disgust. Unlike anger and disgust, emotion researcher Paul Ekman finds that contempt gives us a feeling of power or status. Unfortunately for relationships of all kinds, feeling contempt contributes to feeling superior to others. I don’t need to tell you that this is not the foundation for a good relationship whether romantic, personal, or professional. Worse still, social psychological research demonstrates that it is human nature to get a whole lot wrong when it comes to questions of morality and intent. Included in a short list of findings, virtually everyone inflates their moral qualities and sense of themselves. In other words, we innately perceive ourselves to be more moral than those around us, especially those we disagree with. We believe that love and virtue drive people on our “side” and hate and immorality drive people on the “other” side. And unless we are engaged in a conscious and well-informed act of reflection, we believe that our version of reality is reality and anyone that disagrees with us is either misinformed, biased, hurtful, or out to get us. It’s these tendencies that the “outrage industrial complex” has so masterfully harnessed, and it’s moving us, unconsciously, in a bad direction.

Contempt and its breeding grounds are everywhere. Since the late aughts researchers, thinkers, writers, and advocates having been warning of the “outrage industrial complex.” Look around. Outrage is everywhere, and where there’s no outrage, outrage is directed because it’s outrageous that there is no outrage. Tired yet? Maybe the most common and insidious expression is found in all the media sources we so ravenously crave and consume. News and social media, which have been redesigned to take advantage of our most addictive and solipsistic traits and behaviors, I am looking at you. In their article, “How Contempt is Corroding Democracy”, Waleed Aly and Scott Stephens argue that “the machinery of public discourse, dominated by media and social media, is powerfully designed to manipulate, inflame and commodify our moral emotions, impelling us towards an unrestrained contempt for each other.” There’s so much more to this story, but you know this is true. Division, in group and out group, and contempt are the main course of so much of the information that shows up in our lives. And we keep going back for more, even though we don’t like it. The empirical evidence is very clear; the more you consume social media, the unhappier you are. Bottom line: emotions, feelings, and social actions are contagious, and the ubiquity of contempt is creating an enemy out of everything and everyone. And outrage and contempt are not the solution. They’ve certainly not worked for me. So, what is the solution if outrage, contempt, and hate only lead to more outrage, contempt, and hate? The answer, as unnatural as it may feel at times, is love. The question, then, is how.

Let’s return to the Gottmans. There is a great practice they ask couples to do to remedy contempt and criticism and get back to appreciation and love. Each partner is asked to carry a journal with them, and any time they feel the need to be critical, they must first write down in their journal 5 things they like about the other person. Not only does this give you the time and space to not get carried away in the initial heat of the moment, but it also directs you to think positively, see the good in the other. It reflects the first life lesson that your mom and your mom’s mom taught you, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” And here’s the most important part. If you are saying to yourself, I don’t know 5 things I like about the other person because I don’t know them well enough, that is precisely your problem. The solution to conflict with someone you don’t know is not to fight with them, it’s to get to know them. If you do know them well enough and you still can’t think of 5 things you like about them, you need turn your gaze from the other and back to yourself.

In his speech ‘Loving Your Enemies’, Martin Luther King Jr. directs his congregation “to love your enemies, you must begin by analyzing self… we must face the fact that an individual might dislike us because of something that we’ve done…, some personality attribute that we possess… There might be something within you that arouses the tragic hate response in the other individual.” It can be hard to see yourself as you really are. You and I, we’re not perfect, and we’re certainly not morally superior. It can also be hard to see ourselves as wrong, and yet (don’t tell my wife or my kids), we often are. This is where we may have to do what comes unnaturally to us.

I teach my students, as I have learned for myself, in situations that call for personal growth: do what comes unnaturally. Social scientist Arthur Brooks asked the Dalai Lama how to respond to contempt for your enemy. He said ‘with warmheartedness’. Martin Luther King Jr. taught to look for the good in the others. Those responses certainly come unnaturally to me. How about you? Do what comes unnaturally. Love your enemies.

But wait! What is love? My wife says it’s the flow of God’s energy, and that energy is transformative. That’s why love is the answer. That’s why all the major wisdom traditions teach it. That’s why Martin Luther King Jr says, “love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” And that’s why love cannot be stopped or beat, because even if you don’t experience the transformation in the other person, you can be sure that love, and loving your enemy, will transform you. Warmheartedness and love can be what comes naturally. It’s in our nature, we must reclaim it.

So, what do we do about the outrage industrial complex? You don’t have to like it. I don’t. But I also see that there are parts of it that could be used for good. You don’t have to like the things that the outrage industrial complex does or promotes. I don’t. But I see its power, and I know love’s power. So, I see potential for spreading something better, something more humane. Be the change. And social media? To be clear, in its current form, I don’t really like it, at least not what it does to me. That’s why it’s not in my life. But I am genuinely open to others liking it, using it, and being better for it. My wife seems to do really well with it. So, no, I am not advocating for banning or abstaining from social media, although you may want to try the latter even just for a short time. I am advocating for very conscious consumption of it. The charge is simple: know what you’re doing, when you’re doing it, and why, and think and act with love. And when, not if, you find yourself encountering personas and perspectives that breed more contempt than connection, do what comes unnaturally: give yourself a little time and space, ask yourself what would love do, look for, and name, the good, choose warmheartedness, and find a way to spread love, because it, too, is contagious.

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

The day I graduated with my PhD, just a few hours after I walked the stage and celebrated with my family, I got a call from my dream job employer. This was a call I had been waiting for. I knew we were going to talk today. My future employer knew today was my doctoral graduation. We scheduled this call two weeks prior. The job was mine. My family and I celebrated it along with my graduation. Long story, short: I didn’t get the job! I was absolutely crushed. What had started out to be one of the best days of my life turned out to be one of the worst!

I’m so negative. No, really! People who “kind of” know me, probably can’t believe that’s true. It’s true! My wife will confirm. At my worst, if left unchecked, I’m a real Debbie Downer. Everything, and everyone, is awful! Graduation day was no different. Though it’s likely stronger in me than most, we, human beings, all have a negativity bias, also known as positive/negative asymmetry. This simply means that we all tend to focus on the negative more than the positive. Psychologist Rick Hanson says that our brains are like Velcro for negative things and Teflon for positive. The “good” stuff slides right off, while the “bad” stuff really sticks with us. I’m sure you know what I am talking about.

Picture this: You’re having a great day, and then bam! You have one particularly negative interaction, and your whole day (or life) is ruined. If someone asks how your day was, you will tell them it’s terrible and overlook all the other relatively positive things you’ve experienced and accomplished. And if you’re expert-level negative like me, you will ruminate, or fume, about that one negative thing for some time to come. On the day of my doctoral graduation, I went from focusing on one of life’s greatest accomplishments to focusing on being jobless, worthless, and hopeless with absolutely zero backup plans (or money). This is the negativity bias at work.

The negative is stickier and louder and automatically influences us more than the positive. While that can certainly lead us in the wrong direction – it did for me after graduation, like it so often does – it’s not inherently bad. It’s likely that this negativity bias has been selected for and evolved over the course of time as a protective mechanism. Good, rewarding, pleasurable stuff doesn’t matter if imminent danger awaits. We need to be aware of threats and learn from our missteps, and the negativity bias helps us with that. And fortunately, there’s still more to this story.

Beyond and to counter the negativity bias, we also have a fading affect bias. Over time, the feelings and emotions that come with negative experiences fade faster than those of positive ones. This means that, over time, many negative things aren’t remembered, perceived, or felt so negatively. In fact, many negatives become positive, or at least, lead to positives, and that’s what sticks around. This is great news for you and me, especially me. With a little bit of time and space, things changed a lot for me. What I didn’t realize in the initial moment of disappointment and fear was that I was going to learn, grow, and gain so much.

First, I learned that I was cared for and loved no matter my external, material achievements, or lack thereof. Family, friends, and colleagues rallied to support me and help me find new paths and opportunities. In fact, the support I received from not getting the job was so much greater, so much more meaningful, than the praise or recognition I have ever been given for any major or minor accomplishment in my life. This reinforces that I am, we are, human beings, not human doings. In the eyes of those who know, love, and care for me, I am so much more than a doer, a striver, an achiever. Yes, I can go, go, go, and get. I can also, and should, go easy, go easy on myself, and get perspective, often, on what really matters. If you are a doer, a striver, an achiever, make some space to go easy, go easy on yourself, and remember what is most important.

Second, I learned about humility. Nothing is guaranteed, and I am not as important, special, or as significant as I can make myself out to be in my head. Rarely am I the most important person in the room. As a healthcare professional you are not the most important person in the room; your patient is. This is all quite relieving. When I am really stressed, I am way too focused on myself and what I think I should have done or how I think things should be. What I am learning is to take the focus off myself and put it sincerely onto someone else. Rumination doesn’t bring out the best in me; service does. If you’re really feeling stressed or pressed for time, it seems so counterintuitive, but I promise it’s just the way things work: focus less on yourself and more on others.

Third, I learned that life goes on. No, really. Life goes on, and so can I. And I did – you can, too. You can. You are. You will. Keep going!

Fourth, I learned to be open. Change is the only constant. Change isn’t what’s hard, it’s the resistance to the change that’s hard. If there’s tension in your life right now, investigate what change is happening and practice living one day, one moment, at a time in that new direction.

Fifth, I learned that happiness, contentment, wellbeing is, in part, about wanting what you have, not having what you want (hat tip to the Buddha for that insight). I wanted that job so bad. There was nothing else, in my closed mind, that I wanted to do. With just a little bit of time and with openness to more information that was always there, I quickly realized that I had painted far too many red flags, green. That job would have been terrible for me. What I had – not what I wanted – was more time to learn, to grow, and to find the place where I needed to be planted. What all do you have right now that you overlook or undervalue because you are too focused on what you think you want and don’t have?

Finally, I learned that I am not in control. The great writer and professor, Joseph Campbell, said, “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” This one took the most time. Honestly, I am still working through this one. But it is undoubtedly the most important, the most valuable lesson. Almost three months to the day of getting my PhD, i.e. not getting the job, I started a new job. I started this job. I wish I could tell you how great this job has been for me, but that’s another article altogether. Suffice it to say, this job has not been great because it’s without its challenges, on the contrary. It’s the challenges – the professional, the personal, the relational, even the deeply spiritual ones – that make this job so great. Time, space, perspective, and fading affect have shown me that I wouldn’t have grown if I was planted in that other job. Here, I can grow, and maybe, one day, bloom. Are you ready for the life that is waiting for you? There’s a way forward.

Here’s what I want you to know: I am just starting to really understand what I’ve learned, what I’ve gained, and seen how I’ve grown and how I can still grow. I spent too much time with what I didn’t get and didn’t have, all the negatives, feeling like something had been done to me instead of for me. I missed the lessons, the learnings, the opportunities for growth, and all that I was given and have. And to be clear, this isn’t “toxic positivity”. The negatives are real, they can hurt, they can be challenging, and they must be recognized, felt, and experienced. The negatives are an integral part of what leads us in a better direction if we are actually open to them and not trying to resist or be without them. But the negative cannot be the only focus. Start now, seriously acknowledging your negative experiences. Write them down and leave them be for a while. Give yourself a little time and space. Then come back to them and reflect (write this down, too) on what you’re learning from them, how you’re growing, and what barriers and obstacles have actually been there to point you in new and better directions in life. This is the way of our individual, and collective, evolution. It’s not the way of the animal. It’s the way of the spiritual, the divine, the transcendent. As a helper, healer, or servant leader, this is your job. It’s certainly my job. And I am so glad I finally got here.

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing

The winter holidays can be great, and often just what so many of us need. This time of year often finds us on the tail end of a season of work and life that has been busy, tiresome, and stressful. We need a break. We need some space. We need respite and renewal. Unfortunately, the default setting for fatigue, overwhelm, and stress (i.e. cortisol) is negativity and negative thinking, and we may unintentionally and unconsciously bring that tired, negative vision with us wherever we go. This does not create space. It does not provide rest. It does not revive. Based on how we are, not how things are, we miss the moments, the people, the experiences, and the opportunities that can be restorative, growth-promoting, and life-giving. Attributable to several thinkers, it’s been said that “we don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” What do you see? What don’t you see? And what might that reflect about how you are and what you might need?

In Mark Nepo’s, The Book of Awakening, he tells the story of a teacher frustrated with the bitterness of his apprentice.

An aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining, and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water, and then to drink it.

“How does it taste?” the master asked.

“Bitter,” spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake, and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, “Now drink from the lake.”

As the water dripped down the young man’s chin, the master asked, “How does it taste?”

“Fresh,” remarked the apprentice.

“Do you taste the salt?” asked the master.

“No,” said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside this serious young man who so reminded him of himself and took his hands, offering, “The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same. But the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things… Stop being a glass. Become a lake.”

Are you a glass or a lake? Do you first, or only, see the criticisms, the negativity, what’s wrong with everything? What comes from that? Really take some time to think through this.

Does the bitter taste of remaining a glass promote what you and I need most: expansion, growth, perspective, understanding, humility, compassion, and care? Does it illuminate what’s right, what’s working, the possibilities, the strengths, the solutions? Or does it propagate more negativity, more problems, and more hurt?

You and I, we can grow, we can expand our sense of things, we can be lakes. A foundational step, and one explicitly celebrated this holiday, is to practice savoring, gratitude, and thanksgiving.

As you move into the holiday season, consciously savor the experiences, the people, the food, the time off, the breaks, the weather, the parties, the fun, the deviations from the norm. Practice gratitude for the big things, the small things, the novel things, the mundane things, and the many things that make you, others, and life so unique and special. Gratitude acknowledged and expressed has many tremendous positive impacts. Empirically, gratitude nourishes, heals, and literally transforms the hearts, minds, and bodies of both the generators of gratitude and the receivers.

The far-reaching benefits of an attitude of gratitude reflect another truth of becoming a lake. A glass can only provide enough water for one drink. A great lake can provide water for so many more. As healers, life has called you to become a lake. Are you willing to do all that it takes to answer that call?

The strengths-perspective is founded on the wisdom that what’s right will fix what’s wrong. Look for what’s right. Savor it. Be grateful for it. And share your gratitude. In doing so, you will begin to grow from being a glass to being a lake, and this expansion will transform bitterness into something better, for you and every life you touch.

With gratitude and thanksgiving,

Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW

Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing