The day I graduated with my PhD, just a few hours after I walked the stage and celebrated with my family, I got a call from my dream job employer. This was a call I had been waiting for. I knew we were going to talk today. My future employer knew today was my doctoral graduation. We scheduled this call two weeks prior. The job was mine. My family and I celebrated it along with my graduation. Long story, short: I didn’t get the job! I was absolutely crushed. What had started out to be one of the best days of my life turned out to be one of the worst!
I’m so negative. No, really! People who “kind of” know me, probably can’t believe that’s true. It’s true! My wife will confirm. At my worst, if left unchecked, I’m a real Debbie Downer. Everything, and everyone, is awful! Graduation day was no different. Though it’s likely stronger in me than most, we, human beings, all have a negativity bias, also known as positive/negative asymmetry. This simply means that we all tend to focus on the negative more than the positive. Psychologist Rick Hanson says that our brains are like Velcro for negative things and Teflon for positive. The “good” stuff slides right off, while the “bad” stuff really sticks with us. I’m sure you know what I am talking about.
Picture this: You’re having a great day, and then bam! You have one particularly negative interaction, and your whole day (or life) is ruined. If someone asks how your day was, you will tell them it’s terrible and overlook all the other relatively positive things you’ve experienced and accomplished. And if you’re expert-level negative like me, you will ruminate, or fume, about that one negative thing for some time to come. On the day of my doctoral graduation, I went from focusing on one of life’s greatest accomplishments to focusing on being jobless, worthless, and hopeless with absolutely zero backup plans (or money). This is the negativity bias at work.
The negative is stickier and louder and automatically influences us more than the positive. While that can certainly lead us in the wrong direction – it did for me after graduation, like it so often does – it’s not inherently bad. It’s likely that this negativity bias has been selected for and evolved over the course of time as a protective mechanism. Good, rewarding, pleasurable stuff doesn’t matter if imminent danger awaits. We need to be aware of threats and learn from our missteps, and the negativity bias helps us with that. And fortunately, there’s still more to this story.
Beyond and to counter the negativity bias, we also have a fading affect bias. Over time, the feelings and emotions that come with negative experiences fade faster than those of positive ones. This means that, over time, many negative things aren’t remembered, perceived, or felt so negatively. In fact, many negatives become positive, or at least, lead to positives, and that’s what sticks around. This is great news for you and me, especially me. With a little bit of time and space, things changed a lot for me. What I didn’t realize in the initial moment of disappointment and fear was that I was going to learn, grow, and gain so much.
First, I learned that I was cared for and loved no matter my external, material achievements, or lack thereof. Family, friends, and colleagues rallied to support me and help me find new paths and opportunities. In fact, the support I received from not getting the job was so much greater, so much more meaningful, than the praise or recognition I have ever been given for any major or minor accomplishment in my life. This reinforces that I am, we are, human beings, not human doings. In the eyes of those who know, love, and care for me, I am so much more than a doer, a striver, an achiever. Yes, I can go, go, go, and get. I can also, and should, go easy, go easy on myself, and get perspective, often, on what really matters. If you are a doer, a striver, an achiever, make some space to go easy, go easy on yourself, and remember what is most important.
Second, I learned about humility. Nothing is guaranteed, and I am not as important, special, or as significant as I can make myself out to be in my head. Rarely am I the most important person in the room. As a healthcare professional you are not the most important person in the room; your patient is. This is all quite relieving. When I am really stressed, I am way too focused on myself and what I think I should have done or how I think things should be. What I am learning is to take the focus off myself and put it sincerely onto someone else. Rumination doesn’t bring out the best in me; service does. If you’re really feeling stressed or pressed for time, it seems so counterintuitive, but I promise it’s just the way things work: focus less on yourself and more on others.
Third, I learned that life goes on. No, really. Life goes on, and so can I. And I did – you can, too. You can. You are. You will. Keep going!
Fourth, I learned to be open. Change is the only constant. Change isn’t what’s hard, it’s the resistance to the change that’s hard. If there’s tension in your life right now, investigate what change is happening and practice living one day, one moment, at a time in that new direction.
Fifth, I learned that happiness, contentment, wellbeing is, in part, about wanting what you have, not having what you want (hat tip to the Buddha for that insight). I wanted that job so bad. There was nothing else, in my closed mind, that I wanted to do. With just a little bit of time and with openness to more information that was always there, I quickly realized that I had painted far too many red flags, green. That job would have been terrible for me. What I had – not what I wanted – was more time to learn, to grow, and to find the place where I needed to be planted. What all do you have right now that you overlook or undervalue because you are too focused on what you think you want and don’t have?
Finally, I learned that I am not in control. The great writer and professor, Joseph Campbell, said, “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” This one took the most time. Honestly, I am still working through this one. But it is undoubtedly the most important, the most valuable lesson. Almost three months to the day of getting my PhD, i.e. not getting the job, I started a new job. I started this job. I wish I could tell you how great this job has been for me, but that’s another article altogether. Suffice it to say, this job has not been great because it’s without its challenges, on the contrary. It’s the challenges – the professional, the personal, the relational, even the deeply spiritual ones – that make this job so great. Time, space, perspective, and fading affect have shown me that I wouldn’t have grown if I was planted in that other job. Here, I can grow, and maybe, one day, bloom. Are you ready for the life that is waiting for you? There’s a way forward.
Here’s what I want you to know: I am just starting to really understand what I’ve learned, what I’ve gained, and seen how I’ve grown and how I can still grow. I spent too much time with what I didn’t get and didn’t have, all the negatives, feeling like something had been done to me instead of for me. I missed the lessons, the learnings, the opportunities for growth, and all that I was given and have. And to be clear, this isn’t “toxic positivity”. The negatives are real, they can hurt, they can be challenging, and they must be recognized, felt, and experienced. The negatives are an integral part of what leads us in a better direction if we are actually open to them and not trying to resist or be without them. But the negative cannot be the only focus. Start now, seriously acknowledging your negative experiences. Write them down and leave them be for a while. Give yourself a little time and space. Then come back to them and reflect (write this down, too) on what you’re learning from them, how you’re growing, and what barriers and obstacles have actually been there to point you in new and better directions in life. This is the way of our individual, and collective, evolution. It’s not the way of the animal. It’s the way of the spiritual, the divine, the transcendent. As a helper, healer, or servant leader, this is your job. It’s certainly my job. And I am so glad I finally got here.
Craig Keaton, PhD, LMSW
Burnett School of Medicine at TCU Director of Wellbeing
